I have not been able to go to sleep at night. I will lay there in bed wide awake until well past midnight, and even past 1am on some nights. And it's not that I'm not tired. I'm exhausted. I can feel how tired I am, but my eyes just won't stay closed and the sandman just doesn't show up.
But last night, as I was laying in bed till all hours of the night, I realized why I can't sleep.
I dwell on things. And by things, I mean my kids. I dwell on things we did that day, and how I yelled too much or didn't play when he wanted me too. But now I've come to a realization as to why it's hitting me so hard. Luke is starting preschool next year. PRESCHOOL. My baby will be going to school 2 days a week. Do you know what that means?
This is the last semester I have with him all day, every day. ever. He will now be embarking on his life of school.... and I'm sad! I know I shouldn't feel this way. But I can't help it. I will literally cry about it at night while laying in bed and think, this is silly...Luke is so ready for this. Why aren't you?!?!
Because he's my baby. My first, sweet baby boy. My best buddy during the day. We play and share all day long. Who else is going to show me the best way to draw a dinosaur? or how to read his favorite pigeon books in just the right way? or, heck, help me sweep the floors or fetch things for his brother?? I don't want to share him with a teacher and a classroom full of kids. I want to hear him laugh at their jokes, or watch him as he attempts to sit criss cross applesauce at story time. Or see the how he learns how to hold his crayon and scissors the correct way. I wonder if they would let me put a video camera in their room??? hmmm.....
Why does time go by so fast? Why is it time for him to grow up and for me to let go a little? I'm so not ready for this. I know. It's only preschool, it's time to let him learn things without me. But darn, I'm going to miss this kid so stinkin much I can't stand it.
