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So, I know that right now in this phase I am in, (being 25 weeks pregnant) I am one emotional person. Anything can set me off to crying, or feeling stressed, or worrying about every little thing, or even just being upset. But the main thing that has really gotten worse since being pregnant is the mommy guilt. Does anyone know what I am talking about?? You know...as you're lying in bed at the end of the day, reflecting on that day's happenings, you begin to feel guilty. I have always done this. I try not to. I try to always tell myself that I am not perfect (hard to believe that right?) and that I am a great mom and Luke is such a good boy that he had to learn it somewhere right? But still....there's just that part of me that feels bad about certain things. Like, I wish I wouldn't have screamed his name when he was throwing a tantrum because I couldn't control myself or I wish I wouldn't have checked that last email and just sat down and played with him like he asked me too. All kinds of things like that. (if you know me, you know I can feel guilty for almost anything.....anything....I hate that!)It makes me want to cry right now as I sit and type this. As I was laying in bed the other night dealing with my mommy guilt, I was asking why in the world am I feeling it this bad?!?!?! I mean usually I can get over it, and go on. Well, go to sleep. and move on to the next day. But I think I came up with why it's hit me so hard all of a sudden.
I only have 3 or less months with just my Luke. 3 months to do all I can with just him. And it's time that I know I will never have again. Ever. This is it. This is all I have left of just him and me playing, reading, watching movies, going places with just the 2 of us. Soon, I will be a mom to 2 boys. 2. and Luke won't get as much attention. He will have to wait while I need to change his brother, or feed him, or do anything else a newborn needs. and for that I feel so bad. It's stupid I know. I tell myself that all the time. Other people tell me that it's normal to feel this way. But I just can't seem to shake it. I don't know how many nights I have gone into his room after he has been asleep and just sat there and looked at him. Just watching him sleep. And wondering how his little world is going to change.....
Before everyone tells me again that it really is normal to feel like this. I know that giving Luke a brother is probably one of the greatest gifts to him. They will grow up buddies. Friends. Playmates. and he will never regret he has a brother. (he may wish he didn't have one at times...but he won't regret it) and I know we won't regret having our two boys. We have so much to look forward to in the next few months and years as we watch our boys grow up and become best of buds. God has truly blessed us. This is what we wanted.
But, I still can't help but feel that guilt. That guilt of taking his time away from me and his dad. And his grandparents for that matter. Oh boy....I don't want these months to fly by. But at the same time I can't wait to meet our new son. Luke's brother. I guess I feel it so much too because we have really seen more and more of Luke's personality come through the past few weeks. He is such a sweet, sensitive little guy. I mean come on, he cries when he watches Finding Nemo, or Ice Age, and he even teared up in Kung Fu Panda last night! I guess I am just worried we will hurt his feelings as D-Day approaches. That breaks me heart.
Anyway, I guess this truly is a rambling on my part. So I will stop now before I get a headache from crying. But if you think about us, or me for that matter, will you please say a prayer that my heart feels peace and not so much guilt?? I know I'm not perfect, and as a mom, their will always be that mommy guilt. But I wish it wasn't hitting me so hard right now!
7 comments:
Sarah,
I know that I am new at all of this and that you have only been "doing the mommy thing" for a little over two years, but I look up to you. You are a wonderful Mommy. You have given Luke sooo much, in soo many ways. I know that none of my advice will help you because like I said I am REALLY new to this... BUT... I can say that I know that you ARE and always will be a FANTASTIC mother. No matter if you are sharing your love. I know that you have a lot to go around. I love you Girlie. Thank you for being an inspiration.
I know what you mean. I'm having "mommy guilt" too, and I'm not pregnant. I had it a lot when I was pregnant with Zy. (I was in school, bry had taken a new job, we were trying to sell/buy a house...) I felt like the worse mom in the world. Just know that one day when you look back on it, it was a good thing. I know I'm crazy but it makes you stop and take more in with Luke then maybe you would if you weren't pregnant. I'm not sure if mommy guilt ever goes away because it hasn't for me but I do pray you have peace about it. Thanks for being so honest about it...I needed to know that I wasn't the only crazy mom out there thinking that.
Oh Sarah, you are great with look and you will find a new love with the second. I have told you this all before, each child is different in their own way and thats what is so great. As for the guilt you feel, you have been like that since birth!!!! you would always worry about emily and i remember one time when emily was spending the night with family, and we had to go get her because you needed her home that night. So we went and got her. You have to get over the quilt sometime in your life. Even though you will have 2 boys, you will feel differently about each. Guess what!!!! you will also love this next one just as much. Luke will enjoy helping you with him too!!!!!
life works out for us in pleasant ways, and you are blessed with your husband, child/children and family. Enjoy life as it comes to you and you will be able to look back and relize you were the best mom ever. I could go on and on with this but will close with you receiving the greatest mom award for the day. Love your mamma
Wow.. I just posted on the same exact thing... mommy guilt! You are feeling exactly what I went through when having Ainsley. I drank in every moment I could with Aidan and felt horrible if I didn't. Honestly, it doesn't go away. The reasons for the guilt change but it multiplies for each kid. Just keep telling yourself over and over that you're doing a good job and make sure you spend as much one-on-one time with each as much as possible.. so that when you go to sleep you KNOW you were a "good mommy." And if you do mess up.. know that tomorrow will be different.
You'll be in my prayers. Luke is so blessed to have a mom who loves him so much! (and the new Mr. Mayo is going to be on blessed boy too!)
Sarah...you are normal!
And, to be honest, you still get a lot of one on one time. Especially with a newborn. I mean...they sleep...a lot! I had some fabulous fun with Izzy when I was on leave and Natalie was little. And, we still do it now. Trips to the store, a walk outside, etc.
And, I don't feel like I have to split my time, it just happens.
I'm sitting here with a couple of tears! You are such a wonderful Mom Sarah! I do the exact same things - guilt-wise. I know I'm not pregnant, but I feel that way all the time, like time is slipping by and I will never get this special moment with my little 2 year olds back. Then I guilt myself for talking on the phone or cleaning or anything other than giving them my undivided attention. My heart is going to break the day they leave and I know it's going to be right around the corner. Time flies so fast. We have to just hug them a little tighter, laugh a little louder and thank our Lord for the moments that we do have. These are what we will carry with us when they are able to carry themselves. You are doing a fabulous job and will continue to do so. Enjoy this time, but also enjoy the moments you need to take for yourself as well, being a Mom of 2 will be even busier than a Mom of 1, but it will be even more rewarding as well!!! (((HUGS)))
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