rambling from mom

So, I have been a pretty bad blogger. Life has been so busy. But at the same time, I don't know what I have even done with my time lately. It's like I wake up, we have lunch, and then I look at the clock and it's time for bed again. I don't even know how it happens. But life seems to be flying by right now.

I hear something new out of my 3 year old's mouth every day. Words and sentences I didn't even know he knew. When we couldn't find something down in the basement the other day he looked up at me and said, "well, mom it must just be upstairs" Yep. It must be buddy. When did you know what all those words meant when put together like that??

My baby is 8 months old. Yep. 8 months old. Don't ask me when that happened...and what has gone on the past 8 months. Because I honestly couldn't tell you.

I don't know if it's because of the winter months and it being absolutely freezing outside or if it's the poor management of my time lately that has made me feel just......well..... "ugh." All I can seem to envision these days is playing and running around with my kids...and then I don't feel like I do. (on a side note, those visions include the sun brightly shining and it being over 70 degrees outside).

I don't know if it's my mommy guilt creeping up on me again. (I have posted on that before...) but it's like I want more out of life right now. But I don't know how much more I can get. My kids are great. They are seriously hilarious and make us laugh literally all day long. Our marriage seems to be the best it's ever been right now, but yet I can't shake this feeling of being not good enough.

I want to be the mom that reads exactly 20 minutes a day with her kids so that it "inspires a lifetime love of learning" (thinks Nick Jr for reminding me of that as I let my kid watch the 2nd or 3rd episode of Go Diego Go), I want to just play with my kids all day long and not be the mom who worries that there are dishes in the sink or laundry to be thrown in the washer. I want to be the mom that is more than happy to change her kids 4th poopy diaper of the day because he is healthy and strong and beautiful and I am blessed. I want to be the mom that is capable of getting anywhere before 10am, and on time with both kids happy, fed, changed, and of course looking great. I want to be the mom who is up before her kids get up and is showered and dressed to greet the day God has given us.

I want to be the wife who gets up before her husband and makes him some coffee and packs him a lunch. (with an added little love note for him to see when he eats that great fabulous lunch) I want to be the wife who does things without grumbling and complaining when hubby asks. I want to be submissive to him....so he knows how much I do cherish his leadership and love. (One day I will meet that Proverbs 31 woman!!)

WHY am I feeling like this?? I'm not feeling far from God, I'm not feeling far from my family. I am just feeling like I am this inadequate woman walking around knowing she wants these things but doesn't make it happen.

So, I felt like maybe if I rambled about it on my blog, then maybe just maybe I had some accountability to myself. And well, to have these feelings down to look at years from now will make me feel better. And future me will probably laugh at past me thinking...."you silly girl! You were everything you wanted to be! You just didn't see it!" I seriously hope that is what she says.

So, wow, this is quite the rambling and probably doesn't make sense to all of you who read this blog. (Which by the way, I don't even know who reads this anymore.) But these are words I needed to get down, so I can move on and try to get rid of these feelings once again.

No one ever told me that being a mom would be the hardest, but the most rewarding thing I have ever done in my whole entire life.